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Tuesday, December 14, 2004

Omar wants Moisty Alou

manayacal omar has been feverishly trying to hammer out the final touches on a 2 deal with moisty alou. for those who aren't up on the current MLB latrine news (as i always am), moisty is famous for urinating on his hands. this is a traditional way of toughening up the palms to prevent blisters and keep his firm grip on the bat. apparently, omar is big on this tradition. he chased vlad away by insisting he try and rub his pee on his damaged back when he was in traction and on the DL two years ago. vlad was publically outraged but privately he did have brother wilton give him a tinkle rubdown (and the results speak for themselves).

moisty's pee, especially, is very famous among the latin ballplayer circuit. the alous own a coconut farm back home and mama alou makes a famous coconut ice cream called "mama alou's coco helado." this magic concoction mixed with the alou's specific bladder dna creates the world's best urine elixir. like most young superheroes, moisty didn't want anything to do with his freakish superpowers. he just wanted to be a normal ballplayer like the rest of the kids. moisty wanted to do things his own way, and not take the path father felipe and uncles matty and jesus took. so he didn't eat the coco helado, and he flushed his precious pee down the toilet.

moisty finally did make the majors through his natural talent, but it wasn't easy. he was gangly and weak. he was so injury prone in his early expos days that teammates cliff floyd and rondell white made fun of him by calling him "mr. glass." moisty kicked around with several teams and made some all-star games. he established himself as a star, but couldn't shake that injury bug. finally after landing with the cubs, he got to see one of the game's supposed living legends, sammy sosa, up close. moisty asked sammy, "hey man, your career has really skyrocketed. i remember when you were a skinny bum. how did you improve so much?" sammy took moisty aside and said, "beisbol been berry berry good to me." then he took him to a different side and whispered, "you want to know my secret? the 4 C's, amigo: cork, the clear, the cream, and cola. always need the pepsi. that crap rubs away all evidence of the steroids."

moisty's world was shattered. he thought all players were on the up and up and on a level playing field. he had been proud of sammy for his accomplishments and was so looking forward to playing with him. now he saw that sammy was cheating, and all the time moisty was doing things the right way. sammy got all the acclaim and love and was a surefire HOFer, while moisty would always be that "pretty good player if he could only stay healthy." fortunately, when moisty heard of sammy's 4 C's, he also knew there was an even better C out there, which was legal, more potent, and available in mama alou's freezer all year round: coco helado. so for the past couple years, moisty has been downing coco helado and peeing over his hands and every sore spot on his body. most players start breaking down in their late 30's, but moisty has been rejuvenated and healthier than ever before.

the sticking point in the negotiations center in on a specific clause in moisty's offer from the mets. apparently, omar wants moisty to share his urine. ya know, be a good teammate and pee on jose's hamstrings, pedro's labrum, mikey's knees and let cliff take a whirlpool bath in the pee. unfortunately, a very little known fact in the white man world is: to pee on another man is very unmacho in latin culture. moisty is having a big problem with this. omar feels for him and has even gone from one year to two to entice him, but moisty is still non-committal.

hopefully this all works out and the mets are blessed with golden showers for years to come.

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