FRED WILPON IS THE DEVIL!!!!!

the mets have made the most of the rain in florida by moving under cover for strenuous off-the-field workouts. among the many changes within the organization this winter has been a hiring of a new fitness guru, richard simmons. this is the first time simmons has worked with a professional sports team and he was "tickled pink." simmons, whose previous work has only been with sobbing, obese middle-aged women, may have seemed like an odd choice for the mets, but count andres galarraga as a true believer.

"i've got all his stuff," admitted the big cat, "the videos, the slimaway everyday deluxe program, all of it." asked how the first workout with simmons went, galarraga said, "actually in the first five minutes, we were just in awe that it was really him. he was glistening just like the way he does on TV. then he moved right behind me, and i didn't have time to be in awe anymore. i was just afraid Big Dickie was sneaking up on my ass."

"yes, i told them to call me "Big Dickie," said simmons. "that's what all my friends call me, and i want them to feel comfortable with me."

so how exactly is an infomercial fitness guru going to change the admittedly weak fitness level of the team? "i'm going to do the same thing with the boys as i do with everyone i help," said simmons. "today, we worked with the rubbers and all the guys got a kick out of that. it's fun! then we'll hit the showers."

but are rubbers a cure-all for perma-damaged players like jose reyes, mike piazza and cliff floyd? "i pull out the rubbers as a warm-up. obviously, i plan to work one-on-one in intensive sessions with mike piazza. i've already brought out my blow-up dolls to camp, which are a big hit with the boys. mike and i will do some blow-up doll action. i understand he tore his groin very badly a couple years ago, so i'll have to examine that."

sounds like piazza and the mets are in good hands this year.

briquette: psst, mikey. just look straight ahead. i don't want willie and omar to think we're having a "golf chat."
mikey: yeah, what's up?
briquette: just wanted to let you know, your stubble is getting noticeable.
mikey: oh shit. you think willie will see it?
briquette: i don't know. he's been sorta occupied riding cammy and cliffy's ass in the sinbin.
mikey: yeah, thank god for that.
briquette: thank god my foot. omar makes me sit in the sinbin for 30 minutes everyday after those two biotches get out.
mikey: damn, say it ain't so.
briquette: it's a different world here, mikey.
mikey: i know. hey briq.
briquette: what?
mikey: don't look at me. look straight ahead.
briquette: oh yeah. what?
mikey: those little scraggly hairs on the top of your head are getting noticeable.
briquette: oh shit.

all's fine and dandy in mets spring training camp... or so they would want us to believe. my private sources have informed me that manager willie, who's laid down more rules this spring than abner doubleday did in cooperstown, has been extra tough on two notorious malcontents.

i'm talking about cammy and cliffy, of course. first of all, willie has gone one step further with these two, going beyond the normal "no hair below the lip" rule as applied to the rest of the team and instituted a special "no hair above the eyebrows" rule to these two. cammy misunderstood the rule and shaved off his eyebrows too, so he's going around with a headband to hide the bald patches.

secondly, there is a special "sinbin" for only cammy and cliffy to remain in 30 minutes every morning. they have to stay in there while suffering the humiliation of watching kerry robinson and ron calloway shagging flyballs in their place.

the photo above was taken just moments before willie caught cammy donning the earring stud. that's a no-no. unfortunately, as willie was walking over to the pair in the sinbin, he overheard cliffy muttering to cammy, "here comes 'massa willie.'" damn, was there extra hell to pay for that. the pair haven't been seen since. god help them.

you know it's very early in spring training when you see a healthy and happy jose reyes and cliffy floyd frollicking together. that's the magic of spring training. unfortunately in recent years, this magic has turned tragic when the games start counting for real.

reyes and floyd have been two huge reasons why the mets have sucked. they've been perma-damaged carcasses out there who've given the mets woefully incomplete seasons. as long as they've been relied upon as vital starting cogs on this team, there was no way the team could have adequate backups to play big chunks of the season. this problem remains.

maybe, by some miracle, both of them are going to pull a 150+ game season out of their asses. i don't think so. well, maybe one of them can. seriously doubt that. oh well. it's still february. let's just enjoy this meaningless time as much as possible and not dwell on the future gloom these guys will bring. okay.