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Saturday, December 18, 2004

Pay-dro's perks

i'm not sure why a guy who's going to make $14m/yr needs extra perks in his contract. seems a lot of them (all-star game, cy young award, etc) come standard now in every contract like automatic windows and an am/fm radio. pedro's got a real suite deal:

The pitcher will receive a luxury suite at Shea Stadium for every home game and a hotel suite on all road trips.

in addition to all the basics, of course:

Martinez, already a three-time Cy Young Award winner, would get a $500,000 bonus if he wins the award again this contract, $1 million if he wins it a second time, $1.5 million if he wins it a third time and $2 million if he wins it a fourth time.

He gets $400,000 for finishing second in the voting and $300,000 for winding up third.

In addition, Martinez would receive $50,000 for each All-Star appearance, $50,000 for each Gold Glove, $50,000 for winning the league championship series MVP award and $250,000 for winning the World Series MVP award.

no word yet on whether pedro will switch to uniform #25, which is more befitting a "24 + 1" player.

Scammin' Shammy back on Omar's radar?

it might be a little too close for comfort, but the chicago tribune has reported that minayacal omar, scammin' shammy and the sham-man's agent, adam katz, were all together in the DR yesterday at a ceremony where scammy and his lovely wife renewed their wedding vows.

sources said the possibility of Sosa restructuring his contract to facilitate a deal was broached


When all the dominoes fall, someone will need a power hitter to play a corner outfield spot, and the Cubs still consider the Mets and Baltimore Orioles as the two most interested suitors for Sosa.


But the players' union will not allow Sosa's contract to be devalued and neither team is close to coming up with a financial package that will satisfy both the Cubs and the union.

why do i think we haven't heard the last of minayacal omar's attempts at getting this done?

Friday, December 17, 2004

Two cocks

pedro and omar have found they have another thing in common. they're both like cocks.

"In our country," [Pedro] said, meaning the Dominican Republic, "we have fighting cocks. You look in their eyes to see if they will fight."

He looked in the eyes of Omar Minaya, the general manager of the Mets, and he saw a kindred soul, and not just because they were speaking Spanish at Thanksgiving in Santo Domingo.

"Like fighting cocks, we understand what it means to give your word," Martínez said yesterday in his new home borough of Queens


Pedro wants Varitek

pedro and mikey piazza aren't exactly the best of friends. they've had a mini-feud going back many years to brother ramon dissing mikey's catching skills and pedro drilling mikey. for his part, mikey said pedro had "no class."

now pedro's on the record for saying he wants former red sox battery mate, jason varitek, to join him at shea.

"I hope he is gone," Martinez said of Varitek. "I hope 'Tek is on my team."

Asked whether that meant he wanted to get rid of current Mets catcher Mike Piazza, Martinez said, "I do want Piazza, too. Piazza is a good hitter. We can move him to first or somewhere. ... I want 'Tek. 'Tek is a good player, a good catcher."

yeah, you can read this as just sentimental longing for his usual catcher. but anybody else see this as also an obvious slap to mikey as a catcher?

Ho ho ho! A little Anna Benson for you.

this isn't new, but to fill this post-pedro, pre-??? lull in the mets hot stove season, here's a little Q&A (ripped from FHM) with anna benson, wife of overpaid mediocrity, kris benson:

Is Shea Stadium the worst place to have sex?

We haven’t had sex at Shea yet. We’ve done Three Rivers, PNC Park and the Pirates’ spring-training camp. We really like the highway. Kris’s two-seat Ferrari is small quarters for sex, but there’s other stuff to do. I think all couples do things like that; they just don’t talk about it.

Has he ever gone Bull Durham and worn your underwear?

No, but for Christmas, I gave him pictures of me naked in his jersey. He was thrilled. Any guy who gets naked pictures from his girl will lose it. Baseball has the hottest uniforms. I love their tight pants.

How exciting is the actual game?

Three and a half hours a day, for 162 days, of fucking baseball is a lot of boredom. There’s nothing to do, so I come up with fantasies. Owning a team would be fun. I’d have rules about cheating on your wife because that’s out of control. One, they wouldn’t be going out and getting hammered every night. Two, I’d allow wives on road trips so players aren’t chasing ass all night. And I’d always be in the locker room. If I’m paying them millions to play for me, I should be able to watch them walk around naked. I don’t think they’d object. Men will show that thing to anybody.

Who would be the first players you traded for?

Mark Mulder, Rickie Sexton, Barry Zito, Jeff Weaver—he’s a cutie pie.

How close are you to the other wives?

We don’t have slumber parties. I don’t even know any of the Mets wives yet. Wives never get the credit we deserve. Baseball should worship us for what we do for their talent. When Kris had Tommy John surgery, he couldn’t move his arms for a week. Every time he went to the bathroom, I had to help him. Plus, he couldn’t hold down his pain medication. We were flying home from the hospital and we had to squeeze into the plane’s bathroom together so I could stick suppositories up his ass to keep him from throwing up.

How did you celebrate his return?

I probably got hammered. I’m usually hammered anyway. If he’s doing well after two innings, I just party. Kris gets so pissed after every game because he’ll come get me and I’m wasted. I won’t even know who won.

Pedro wants to get Moisty

now that pedro is a met, urinary sources are telling us that he's making a bladder push to get moisty alou on board. both pedro and minayacal omar, who are in the DR this morning for a local press conference welcoming him to the mets, refused to comment.

"moisty and pedro are some of the closest friends you can imagine," said fernando cuza, who represents both players. "they played together in montreal for years. they're very good friends in the dominican. moisty is the ultimate competitor. if he's going to share his urine, he wants to share it with his dearest friends."

another "friend" moisty may be willing to share with is free agent first baseman, carlos delgado. delgado was formerly sworn to the powers of tiger balm, but after coming off an injury-plagued subpar season, sources say that he's "very interested" in the powers of coco helado and moisty's pee.

Thursday, December 16, 2004

Pedro posing at Shea today.

Wednesday, December 15, 2004

Santa Cammy

freddie wilpon was in a deep panic to fill the biggest hole in the mets roster this winter --> santa claus. having finally disposed of capo franco (it was just business, johnny, nothing personal) after his 59 year mets career, there were some serious santa boots to fill in the annual mets/wilpon christmas, good publicity, charity, suck-up-athon event that they hold for the media and some underprivileged and/or sick kids they bus in from somewhere. maybe that's not accurate, but that's not important to this story. anyway, the plan was to promote super joe mcewing from his usual elf position, but his falsetto "ho, ho, ho's" didn't cut the mustard.

freddie's kitchen cabinet alternatives are lacking this year. kris and anna benson have joined up. anna is a "ho" and they know from "clauses" but only the prenuptual kinds that deal with his cheating on her and anna screwing the team in revenge and stuff like that. tommy boy glavine is still around, but he's not in a christmas-y mood with the norfolk tides sending brother mike back on unemployment. they'll be eating cat food and government cheese in the glavine household this holiday season.

freddie looked around and his familiar white faces weren't looking back.

that's when mike cameron stepped up. cammy's a good guy, a good teammate. perhaps even a candidate to break the color barrier in the kitchen cabinet. he's been in the wilpon doghouse since his white flag surrender speech during the mets freefall last summer. you remember the "san diego took everything we had away from us. they took everything" thing. well, cammy stepped up to the plate, donning the fat red suit and white beard to help freddie save face and give a memorable day to the press and those kids they picked up somewhere. god bless you, cammy. freddie will remember this.

Pay-dro, who's your sugardaddy?

the pedro pre-signing saga is dragging out with more sources coming out of the woodwork to say more undetermined things. thankfully, it'll come to a conclusion with pedro's physical today in new york, with the expected introductory press conference at shea tomorrow. that's the plan, at least.

elsewhere, minayacal omar continues to keep the mets alive in every possible rumor for every possible player out there. we're clearly back in the post-arod shunning era when steve phillips (and assistant omar) was the hardest working gm in baseball, working the phones and pressing the flesh with every gm and agent in the game in a mad scramble to totally overhaul the roster to put together a new expensive miracle mix the fans could drool over (on paper). this manic worst-to-first buying/trading spree never failed to create a worse mess. but one thing about freddie wilpon, he's never been one to learn from history.

so as i await the next big splash, my feelings as a fan are a total mix of excitement, fear, anxiousness and dread. let's face it, last place is last place is last place (and finishing a few games ahead of a AA level expos team in 2004 qualifies as last place) and the mets have proven they can do it lots of ways: spend their way into the cellar, do it the cheap way, do it with old guys, do it with young guys, do it with a plan, and do it without a plan. spending is a lot more fun (at least during the actual spending part). in time, it gets so sickening, that you do actually long for a cheap youth movement again. then after that shits out for a couple years, you're hankering for a madman spend-a-thon again. hell, the spending is fun right now. go ahead, freddie, buy pay-dro. next, let's buy delgado. let's trade for manny. let's make a run at beltran! this is fun! the only problem is in the back of my mind, i know for a certainty that if anyone can build a $150M last place team, a $200M last place team, a $300M last place team, it's freddie. the evil wilpon karma is deadliest force in the universe.

Tuesday, December 14, 2004

Omar wants Moisty Alou

manayacal omar has been feverishly trying to hammer out the final touches on a 2 deal with moisty alou. for those who aren't up on the current MLB latrine news (as i always am), moisty is famous for urinating on his hands. this is a traditional way of toughening up the palms to prevent blisters and keep his firm grip on the bat. apparently, omar is big on this tradition. he chased vlad away by insisting he try and rub his pee on his damaged back when he was in traction and on the DL two years ago. vlad was publically outraged but privately he did have brother wilton give him a tinkle rubdown (and the results speak for themselves).

moisty's pee, especially, is very famous among the latin ballplayer circuit. the alous own a coconut farm back home and mama alou makes a famous coconut ice cream called "mama alou's coco helado." this magic concoction mixed with the alou's specific bladder dna creates the world's best urine elixir. like most young superheroes, moisty didn't want anything to do with his freakish superpowers. he just wanted to be a normal ballplayer like the rest of the kids. moisty wanted to do things his own way, and not take the path father felipe and uncles matty and jesus took. so he didn't eat the coco helado, and he flushed his precious pee down the toilet.

moisty finally did make the majors through his natural talent, but it wasn't easy. he was gangly and weak. he was so injury prone in his early expos days that teammates cliff floyd and rondell white made fun of him by calling him "mr. glass." moisty kicked around with several teams and made some all-star games. he established himself as a star, but couldn't shake that injury bug. finally after landing with the cubs, he got to see one of the game's supposed living legends, sammy sosa, up close. moisty asked sammy, "hey man, your career has really skyrocketed. i remember when you were a skinny bum. how did you improve so much?" sammy took moisty aside and said, "beisbol been berry berry good to me." then he took him to a different side and whispered, "you want to know my secret? the 4 C's, amigo: cork, the clear, the cream, and cola. always need the pepsi. that crap rubs away all evidence of the steroids."

moisty's world was shattered. he thought all players were on the up and up and on a level playing field. he had been proud of sammy for his accomplishments and was so looking forward to playing with him. now he saw that sammy was cheating, and all the time moisty was doing things the right way. sammy got all the acclaim and love and was a surefire HOFer, while moisty would always be that "pretty good player if he could only stay healthy." fortunately, when moisty heard of sammy's 4 C's, he also knew there was an even better C out there, which was legal, more potent, and available in mama alou's freezer all year round: coco helado. so for the past couple years, moisty has been downing coco helado and peeing over his hands and every sore spot on his body. most players start breaking down in their late 30's, but moisty has been rejuvenated and healthier than ever before.

the sticking point in the negotiations center in on a specific clause in moisty's offer from the mets. apparently, omar wants moisty to share his urine. ya know, be a good teammate and pee on jose's hamstrings, pedro's labrum, mikey's knees and let cliff take a whirlpool bath in the pee. unfortunately, a very little known fact in the white man world is: to pee on another man is very unmacho in latin culture. moisty is having a big problem with this. omar feels for him and has even gone from one year to two to entice him, but moisty is still non-committal.

hopefully this all works out and the mets are blessed with golden showers for years to come.

METS-TV ready to roll!

the new york mets are pleased to announce they are forming a joint venture "superstation" with the discovery health channel . in addition to broadcasting mets games, the channel will a feature an innovative lineup of cutting edge sports medicine shows hosted by members of the mets:

1) "slow-motion rehab" - starring jose reyes - this show will be aimed at senior citizens with chronic pains, sprains and strains. jose will detail his unique "no pain, no gain, but that's okay" rehab regimen in his fun, youthful manner. this will delight the great-grandparent in your life who hates doctors, refuses to do his physical therapy and just doesn't give a damn about anything. episode one: jose shatters the myth that high ankle sprains and hamstring pulls can be fully cured in 6 to 8 weeks.

2) "the cooking with flaxseed oil hour with mike piazza" - join mikey as he introduces you to the magical world of flaxseed oil. this mystery fountain of youth elixir has been credited with many athletes for rejuvenating their careers. mikey will show you how to stir-fry with it, bake with it, or just drink it straight with a rolling rock chaser.

3) "the i'm okay, you're okay talkshow" with cliff floyd - have you ever felt like there was no light at the end of the tunnel? is your body breaking down? do you get the feeling you're unwanted by your employer? do you wake up thinking 'how come nobody likes me?' bring a box of kleenex and join cliff floyd as he visits these all-too-familiar topics as well as other gloomy scenarios in this informative talk hour. special guests: denny neagle, chan ho park, sammy sosa and jason giambi.

4) "are MRIs safe?" with pedro martinez - don't take another MRI before you see this must-watch investigatory special on MRIs. how safe are they really? how accurate are they really? aren't they really just souped up torture devices? you'll be shocked at what pedro discovers. join pedro as he interviews the victims of MRI accidents: orphans who've lost their eyesight and limbs to the evil MRI machine. join pedro as he chases down the devils who profit off this machine of death: the fat-cat insurance executives, the fat-cat MRI manufacturers, and the tort lawyers.

5) "CSI: shea stadium" with jack klugman - long before this current crime scene investigation craze on tv, there was quincy, m.e. jack klugman reprises his legendary role each week to investigate a bizarre mets medical blunder. watch quincy each week as he tries to unravel the mysteries surrounding why the mets were so adament in trading for a 330 lb man with no knee cartilege, did the mets actually have the vlad x-rays? where are they now and who made the diagnosis?, why does jose reyes heal at the pace of a 100 year old woman with a broken hip?

Monday, December 13, 2004

Pedro has a labrum tear? Run, Freddie, Run!

hmm, let's see.

buster olney writes: Martinez's fastball velocity has declined from a consistent 94-95 mph to a consistent 88-90, and although he has two other outstanding pitches in his changeup and curve, he is a huge physical risk. He's 33 years old, he has a high-torque delivery that puts enormous strain on a shoulder that already is partially torn, and it wouldn't surprise anybody in Boston if he broke down for good in 2005; that's why the Red Sox refused to guarantee a fourth year in their offer.

jayson stark writes: They know -- everybody knows -- Martinez has a tear in his labrum that's practically as wide as the San Andreas Fault. One informed estimate put that tear as 90 percent full.

uh, excuse me? did you say shoulder tear? 90% tear? WTF? is this true? run, freddie! run as fast as your shrunken black heart takes you!

some more words about labrum tears... anybody remember pedro astacio? that "mule" made a jackass of the mets by getting 2 guaranteed years with his tear. no way do you give pedro $56m with a 90% tear.

read the slate article on why the torn labrum is baseball's most fearsome injury:

let's just hope the mets have cleaned out the incompetent clowns from their medical staff and get a clear diagnosis of pedro's shoulder during the physical. if this talk about pedro's labrum is true, then let's hope the incompetent clowns in the mets braintrust rips up that contract.

Pedro is "in the bag"

it's a bit confusing at this point on how official it is, but everybody is saying pedro martinez has agreed to sign with the mets. it was pretty apparent that pedro's thought of leaving the world champion red sox for flushing was somewhere along the lines of leaving for a leper colony. the mets have had the bigger offer on the table for some time now and noston just wasn't budging on money or a 4th year. finally today, owner freddie wilpon took a vote and gave the go ahead for a guaranteed 4th year, and the overall offer of $56m/4 years just blew boston out of it. the mets had plan B with odalis perez ready, so time was of the essence. pedro had no other choice, of course.

was it a good signing for the mets? well, for sure, pedro martinez is a huge upgrade for the rotation. he's instantly the ace among mediocrities and maybe his success and noted intensity can help spur on some final production out of tom glavine's dead soul, some more half-decency out of the ever halfway-decent trax, and some results out of the aging "big potential projects:" benson and zambrano. that's still a pretty shaky rotation, especially when you take into account the history of arm problems for benson and zambrano. anybody goes down, and the mets do their heilman, seo, ginter routine again. people may also include pedro in the shaky health category, but he's put in his 600 innings the past 3 years, and doesn't seem a risk beyond his perpetual reputation for being a small-framed pitcher.

all in all, a helluva lot of money for pedro. the mets and bosox were the only serious suitors and the mets blew them away. mets fans can always rationalize it as "it ain't my money," but it's always been these tenuous monster money signings that freddie later uses to rationalize his subsequent periods of cheap-ass youth movements. it's a nasty deja vu spin-o-rama we ride. for now, we can only pray the spending and wheeling-dealing doesn't stop here. the mets have gone from a "pretty bad team" to now a "pretty bad team with pedro martinez." still lots of holes to fill, lots of spots to upgrade, and if the significant spending has stopped, there's not much omar can do -- even if he was a bright man -- which is isn't.

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